Heartbreak Warfare
by Pokiepup
Summary: Even if it is what is best can either of them ever really give one another up? Told from Bo's POV. Sometime after 2/22.
1. Heartbreak Warfare

A.N. Couldn't sleep so was listening to music and this is the product. Just a one-shot Angst piece from Bo's POV.

**Heartbreak Warfare **

I don't know how we got to this place. That's a lie. I know every step it took to get us to this place. I play them over and over again in my head like one of those catchy pop songs you don't want to admit you listen to. Every fight. Every second we let silence come over us instead of saying how we felt. Every moment I chose Dyson over her and every moment she chose someone over me. Yep those are the memories I have to keep me company now as I lay here in my lonely, overly sized bed staring up at the ceiling. I don't even know who started this game of ours. Maybe me when I found myself with Dyson. Maybe her when she flirted but kept Nadia from me for so long. Regardless who started this it doesn't make it hurt any less cause here I am alone yet again with my stomach in knots and mind racing between the Greek tragedy that is us and the fresh memory of earlier.

I wasn't even supposed to be there tonight. It was supposed to be my night off to relax. Clear my head. But Kenzi called being Kenzi and I went. Went to settle some stupid bet between her and Hale. And then Trick had a body swapping experience and was giving me free drinks. Then I was hooked. Somewhere in between my eighth and tenth shot Dyson had Don Juan-ed his way over to the seat next to me.

I'm not going to lie I was flirting right back after all that was our thing. My part of this game with her, even in a way a part of my game with him. Apart from that it's fun, in my nature if you'd go as far to consider and besides it doesn't always have to lead somewhere. That was until my fifteenth shot. Then I was contemplating it.

That was all the way up until she walked in. And as always the whole world melted away. I was breathless. A common effect she had. She didn't even need to look at me for it to happen. Shes looking around searching for someone, presumably me. After all why would she come to the Dal. I know he is still talking but it's nothing more then a distant voice in the background now. She has on a small smile and my heart can't help but jump. She didn't need makeup for me to find her beautiful. She had a rare, natural beauty that could steal any man or woman's attention. She had on her normal amount of makeup with the exception of her lips that seemed to be extra glossy while her hair was slightly straighter then normal. Personally I liked it better when she had it a tad wavy.

I take another shot trying to get the doe-eyed school girl look off my face before I make my way to her. But before I can get up I see her walk past the initial crowd and I can get a full view of her. DAMN. That's all that comes to mind. If this had been a cartoon my eyes would have popped clean out of my head and my jaw to the floor.

There she stood in a black, strapless, above the knee, form fitting dress. And I'm not talking about normal form fitting. I'm talking unbelievably tight, mold it's self to her skin. Shes wearing an inch, maybe two inch high heels that complement her long legs and I can't stop the way my eyes are ever so slowly moving over her. From her clear painted toes up her long legs all the way to the hem of her dress that stops just a little above her knees. She turns just a little away from me and I'm pretty sure my eyes widen even more as they move up her thighs to her waist and ass that is displayed ever so mouth watering in that dress. I continue running my eyes up over her flawless figure and breathless doesn't begin to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. Someone needs to remind me to thank whoever made this dress. I lean forward a bit trying to see her better. Wishing she'd turn around so I could see just how she looked from the front since I had worked my way up instead of down. Bad call. Soon enough she turns and my eyes are back on their pervy expedition. That was until they got side tracked at her breasts that were for a lack of better word on display. I manage to tear my eyes away from her body and I focus on her face. God shes beautiful. Stunning.

Maneuvering myself past the drunk, flirting duo that is Kenzi and Hale I took my time as I went to her seeing as how I needed to come up with a better conversation starter then '_you look mouth watering, can I take you home and take advantage of you'_ true it's the only clear thought I had at the moment but it's not the right approach. Not with her. Some random person I pick up at a bar? Sure. Even Dyson. But not her. I stopped only a couple feet away and found I still didn't have anything to say, but that was no longer my concern. The fact that some dirty-blonde woman now had her arms wrapped around Lauren. Both smiling ear to ear. The woman was beautiful I can't lie about that. She was only an inch or two shorter then Lauren. A tad flasher though her dress an eye popping red. My first reaction was to walk up and punch her. But instead I turned around and walk back to my friends who were trying to pretend they didn't see what just happen. But their sympathetic looks say it all.

I sat down and watched from afar as she flirted, even danced a couple times. I had never even knew she danced. And I can say that this was definitely not the way I had wanted to find out. Her body pressed up against someone else's. Laughing at jokes I'm sure weren't even funny. I watched them on and off of the dance floor while all four of my friends tried to distract me, but it didn't work.

Around hour four of this I turned back around and threw back as many shots as I could before Dyson stepped in. He offerd to drive me home and I quickly accepted after all it had been five hours and she never noticed me. Not once. The ride home had been a silent one and of course him being him. He had to help me up the stairs. And to my room. Into bed. Even made some lame excuses to stay and talk.

I probably should have took him up on it. Should have took whatever release I could take to get the image of that woman's hands on Lauren's body out of my head. The image of them laughing as if they didn't have a care in the world. It should have been me making her laugh like that. It should have been me she was on that date with. Me who was making her forget the pain of her life. But instead I was taken home by Dyson and she was out there with some beautiful blonde.

****Knock-Knock****

Nope go away. Don't need company. Need to wallow in my own misery.

****Knock-Knock** **

Dammit! I can imagine how I look kicking the sheet off me and hitting my fist on the mattress but then again it's not like anyone is here. I hear the knocking continue and I stumble through the darkness to the door.

"Sir, you had your shot!" I bark out pulling the door open. "Lauren," it's all I can get out. Shes standing there drenched, tears falling down her cheeks.

"Expecting him." she says more as if it's a fact then a question.

"No. I just thought you were, he left a while ago-"

"Ah. At least I'm keeping to my standing with us." I raise an eyebrow. "Second place."

"Lauren,"

"Don't you ever get tired of it?" I fold my arms across my chest and stare at her. "Playing this game. Playing me."

"I'm not playing you."

"What am I Bo? What? Some challenge to you? Is there some sexual, danger aspect to getting me? Knowing you could lose control at any moment?"

"That question can go both ways." I can't tell if shes drunk or just mad but either way shes over stepping. "Lets face it you've been intrigued by what I am, not who I am since the beginning." I let out harshly. Who was she to come here throwing accusations at me. Acting like she knows anything about how I feel about her. About anything for that matter. "I'm sorry, did you come here for something other then insulting me?"

"You don't feel anything do you. It is all just words to you isn't it. Breathless. We're in this together. All just empty words aren't they." I glare as she continues on what should be questions but instead she keeps her tone cold, and says her words as if they're facts.

"Oh yeah. You got me. I'm writing a romantic novel and just wanted to try some of the dialog on you. See how it sounds."

"You can be so childish."

"Me? You show up at my door throwing insults like you know everything. You don't know anything. You never have. Or you just never cared. Which I'm leaning more toward the second considering your practically a baby Einstein." I let my head fall, unable to see the hurt on her face. At least shes stopped crying now.

"This coming form the woman who shoves Dyson in my face every chance you get."

"You don't want to go there with me." I say in the harshest tone I've ever used with her. It scares her a little. Scares myself a little as well.

"How do you know where I want to go?"

"Leave it." shes scowling at me, her jaw clenched and I can hear her teeth grinding. I don't want this. I never wanted this. "You shoved Nadia in my face repeatedly. You lead me on and I found out about her from someone else. I helped you get her back. And then you dance around here with her like I'm supposed to forget everything between us? Forget all about how I feel. But in case I ever got close to moving on you felt the need to remind me. And as much as it killed me I was happy for you. I just wanted you to be happy it's all I ever wanted. And then you show up at the Dal with some, some...booty call? Five hours and you didn't even notice me?" I stop. I have to as I let my gaze fall back to the floor unable to look at her any longer. Tears slowly filling my eyes. It had all been true bur Nadia wasn't the problem. Not any more so why bring up a painful subject. "How do you spend five hours, less then fifty feet away from someone you supposedly care for and not notice them?" It's dead silent now, but I know shes still here. I can see the start of her feet out of the corner of my eye.

"I saw you. I saw you with him." she stops and I don't know if it's because shes done or because shes having as hard a time as I'm having. "I'm only your main concern when I'm with you. But when I'm not, around you," she pauses again, this time I look up. "I honestly don't know why I came here tonight."

"Your date in the car?" I ask after a couple minutes of us just standing here, staring at one another.

"Ha. That was the new Ash. She's an old friend actually. Met her in the Congo, one of the first Fae I saved. I went there to discus the new terms of my...employment." she stops again only this time she takes a step back taking a deep breath. "Goodnight Bo."

"And the dress is a new uniform I'm assuming. Kinky, I like it." shes already turned to leave but this stops her. She doesn't turn but I know the look she has. I've gotten it many times before.

"It was for you. If you weren't so busy with him," she pauses making sure I get the full effect of the disgust in her voice when she says 'him'. "you would have checked your messages and saw that." Now shes just lying. That is a new low. She starts walking away and I step into the hall watching her walk down the stairs and suddenly it's all very stupid. My heart brakes a little every time she walks away because I know one of these times it's going to be the last.

"If you want more why don't you say so?" I blurt it out right as she reaches the landing and she calmly turns around and looks up at me with a sadness in her eyes I've never seen before.

"Why don't you?" there isn't many times I don't know what to say. Weather it be a smart-ass comment, a joke, or something comforting but as she stands there turning it around on me for the millionth time, I have nothing. I open my mouth to speak but I honestly don't have an answer. So I watch her give me her sad smile, with her eyes glossy before she nods slightly and then I watch her walk away.

I stare at the wall a while as I replay this night in my head a couple times until it blends in with the rest of my memories. Sighing I quietly walk back in the house the realization that Kenzi might actually be trying to sleep becomes relevant. I hear her ask if I'm okay as I walk past her door, but I don't say anything. I don't want to talk about it. I've talked it out with her before. Talked it out in my head a billion times. There is nothing left to say. Closing the door I lean against it as the small flashing, green light on my cell phone blinks every few seconds catching my attention.

Pulling the phone off the stand as I fall back on the bed. '_1 New Message' _

'_Bo, I have to stop at the Dal to meet the new Ash. Don't want to speak to soon but I think it's good news. And if so, I want to celebrate. Even if it's not, I still want to see you. Let me know if your busy' _

I re-read the message a good ten times looking at every detail before I finally rest it on my stomach as my eyes find my favorite staring spot on the ceiling. Yeah. Greek tragedy was a fitting term for our relationship. Romeo and Juliet have nothing on us.


	2. I Don't Trust Myself

**I Don't Trust Myself **

Four-twenty seven a.m. Wonderful. I can't get to sleep but then again whats new? I was so sure I'd be able to get to sleep tonight. Every inch of my body is sore. My eyes heavier then I can bare but all I can think about is her. The tears streaming down her cheeks when I opened the door. The hurt that grew with every word we said. It doesn't really matter though, eyes open or closed I still see it. See her.

No one ever tells you this part of love. No one ever tells you how much it hurts. How crazy it can drive you. That no matter how much pain it brings you you'll just keep running back like a lost puppy. No. No one ever mentions this part. Movies don't show this and when they do it's more along the lines of 'I'm going to go crazy and kill you with an ax' type of deal and well I may be on the verge of obsessed but I'm not gonna murder her. Least obsessed is better then ax murder. Maybe. Maybe if I was completely over the edge I'd be able to sleep.

Four-thirty am. I'm never going to sleep again. It's official. Sighing I pull myself out of bed and quickly dress myself with a pair of discarded jeans. Better then sweat pants right. Going to the closest I quickly start shuffling through the mountains of dirty clothes. Note to self: do laundry. I've met under-Fae who smell better. Quickly enough I find what I'm looking for. A small, light brown leather coat. Her's. How sad am I looking for excuses to go see her. I mean after all she shows up without an invite just to yell at me so I don't really need a reason. But I guess it looks better then I've been up all night stewing in my own anger. And guilt. And hurt. But we'll just say anger, sounds more me.

I see Kenzi bundled up on the couch looking like an Eskimo wrapped in some white blanket I never knew we had. I can't help but smile as I tip toe past her. The sister I never had. The one I never knew I wanted. It's surprisingly nice out. The sun isn't showing yet but it's not all that cold. And an even bigger surprise? No rain. It's not that far to her lab and for that I'm happy. The walk seems to go by surprisingly faster then I expected it to. Only a few people heading to the early shift. One of two squad cars. Too bad Hale wasn't working, could have forced him to drive me. I can't help the smile that comes over my face as I see light coming from the top windows of her lab. She can be so predictable some times.

I'm knocked out of my thoughts as I go flying onto the ground. Despite the over whelming amount of pain on my arm I roll over just in time to miss a heavy boot that was aimed for my stomach. Unfortunately I wasn't as fast to miss the other foot kicking me in the face. It stuns me but not enough to keep me down. I push myself up ready to fight but the big, ugly, and what I'm assuming is Dark Fae is no where to be seen. Chicken. Tonight has just been full of surprises. I can't help the chuckle that escapes me as I dust myself off and then pick her jacket back up. Who'd of known it was dangerous at five in the morning. Around the Ash's compound no less. Guess ol' blondie hasn't made her prescience public yet. Well to anyone other then myself and MY...my Lauren?

It's creepy here at night. Other then Zack, the night guard who nods to me from his desk there was no one. Everything was always so shiny and squeaky clean. I take a deep breath, my hand on the door and I can see her through the small window.

"Demintoid species. Alacoid species. Peziinoize species." she has got to be the only person who can make things like that sound sexy.

"I don't think talking to yourself is a healthy pass time." she doesn't turn around but she knows it's me. I can tell by the way she tenses.

"Actually talking to yourself is quite normal. It is when you answer yourself that it posses a worry to one's mental sanity." Ha. I love it when she geeks-out. She continues working on whatever it is she is doing. I guess she is hoping if she doesn't turn around that I'll leave.

"Good to know. Although that does make me worry a little more about Kenz. She can have a full conversation with herself." I'm half serious. Half kidding. I really didn't come to fight. Maybe if I keep this light she'll see that.

"Ah well. There are some exceptions."

"You defending Kenzi? That's a new one." She sighs as she starts pulling off the blue, surgical gloves.

"What are you doing here Bo?"

"Well when you were making your master escape I forgot to give you your jacket." It sounds dumber aloud then it did in my head.

"I could have gotten it another time. It is late and-" She pauses finally turning around to see me. She still looks heartbroken but I can see she is more focused on the damage the crazy attacker did. "Bo. What happened?"

"Good question. I was wondering that myself."

"I'm talking about-"

"I know what your talking about. Turns out when you are leaderless for a month the big, bad Dark Fae seem to get a bit feisty."

"Feisty?" I know the definition of the word obviously. Could probably say it word for word from the dictionary but every time I have ever heard it said it has been in a playful or sexual reference so I can't help but smile when I hear her repeat it back to me.

"Yeah. We'll say they get feisty."

"Okay. Can—can you please come sit down so I can examine you?"

"You sure it's safe? Your not gonna suddenly run out of the room like I'm carrying the plague?" Okay so maybe I'm being an ass. But then again I don't think I'm completely out of line. She was the one who started this. None the less I walk to the table keeping a straight face, almost scowling even though my only instinct is to smile at how concerned she is for me but I can't. Not yet any way. She won't get off that east. "Your jacket." I say with an overly forced smile as i toss it onto the desk past her.

"Thank you."

"Why of course."

"Bo."

"Yes Dr. Lewis?" i raise an eyebrow as i tilt my head to the right, giving her my overly confident grin.

"Is this necessary?" She ask casually as she starts to clean the wound on my arm. Smart. Casually seems to be the best approach in the situation since she seems so...feisty. Ha. Point in case how the word Is normally used. She looks over my face as she pulls out a shard of rock and despite a small whence of pain I can't contain I continue to grin at her. "I will take that as a yes."

"You can take it how ever you so see fit."

"Okay Bo." She tosses the small rock on the table before taking a step back and giving me a cool once over. "What game are we playing here?"

"You tell me."

"Am I missing something here?" she asks as she bites her bottom lip. Not in the 'sexy I want to kiss you' type of way but in her 'I'm frustrated but not going to say anything' way.

"I don't know. Are you?" I raise my eyebrows and smile. I can see despite her growing irritation with my playfulness shes having trouble keeping her laugh contained.

"I'm not playing whatever game this is." She let out a heavy sigh as she got back to her previous task. She wipes the dry blood from the cut on my temple luckily this one isn't as deep as the one on my arm. It only takes her a couple minutes to completely get me fixed up. After all the attack only lasted a few seconds.

"Really? Could have fooled me."

"Dammit Bo!" the sudden raise in tone takes me off guard but not as much as her hand coming down hard on the small, metal table. That makes me jump. I know shes hurt her hand by the clenching of her jaw but she doesn't flinch. Sometimes she can be so stubborn. "I'm so sick of this shit." I can't help my eyes widen at the fact shes just swore. But I stay silent as my eyes stay focused on her. "What do you want? Why did you come here tonight?"

"I told-"

"The real reason." she demands.

"I couldn't sleep. And I wanted to see you so I found your jacket. I thought it would be a good reason." Sometimes I don't think things through.

"At five in the morning?" she asked raising her eyebrow and folding her arms across her chest.

"Didn't say it was the best idea." I let my head fall and now I'm staring at the floor feeling stupider then ever. "I'll go."

"What do you want from me?" she asks softly and my head shoots up, my eyes locking with her's and despite the fact that her face is stone, and her body tense, her eyes are soft and vulnerable. Shes standing there waiting for an answer and I suddenly realize I can't give her one. In all the months of sleepless nights and torturing myself. Replaying every heart-wrenching moment of our relationship I never once thought toward the future. Toward what I would say if she ever asked me this. I can feel my stomach turning on it's self while my heart starts pounding.

"I," I try to speak but suddenly my throat is dry like the desert and it's just as well since I don't know what to say.

"Bo. What do you want from me?" she asks again. Her voice cracking and her stone features slowly softening.

"I. I-" I try again but yet again I fail her. I tend to do that. More often then I'd like to admit.

"I know you don't want to feed off me so it's not that. What? You want to have sex? You don't need to show up with some obviously fake excuse and flirt in an over the top manner. I already want you. But you know that. So what is it?"

"it's not like that."

"Then what? You want to get me back for earlier? Show me you don't need me? That you have other options? Yeah. I already know you do. Make me suffer? Hurt me in some way? You don't need to do that either. I hurt and suffer more then enough when I see you with others. With him. I even hurt and suffer when I just think about it. So you really don't need to come down here and rub it in."

"Th-that's not it." I struggle to get out as I feel my heart sinking inside my chest while I watch her. She trying her best to keep strong. Keep her emotions in check. Try and not cry.

"Then? What? I can't keep doing this game Bo. I know it's us and I know we've been playing for years but it hurts me. It hurts me more then you'll ever know. More then I'll ever admit to myself. I don't know why you play. Maybe it really is the human aspect. The thrill of it or maybe it's your game with him and I just never realized. Maybe it's always been about him. Making him crazy. Making him jealous. I don't know. But I won't do it any more." the tears are slowly falling down her cheeks again but shes holding her ground. Her arms still tightly folded and her jaw clenched to what I'm sure is the point of pain. "I don't need a reminder that you don't love me. I know that already." she turns her head to the side and sniffles trying to gain composer. "So. What DO you want from me?"

"I-I do love you."

"Yeah. I know." she snorts turning back to me. "You love all of us," she lets out with such sarcastic emphasis on the words 'all-of-us' as she rolls her eyes. I know why she does it. She doesn't need to though. I don't need a reminder. I remember every moment. "I meant like him. But then again you knew that too." I swallow hard as I push myself off the table. I give a slight nod before walking toward the door but I only make it three steps.

"Your right. I guess you could say I love him. I've cried for him before. I miss him when I don't see him. Worry about him everyday. Hate it when we've fought. Been jealous over him before. Thought about us being together. And God knows it would be easy for us. I've been with him sexually. I find him attractive. And maybe there was a time when it would have been him. Been an us. But," I swallow hard as I focus on the door that is just less then twenty feet from me. It would be so easy to run. "I'm not in love with him." there is a twinge of pain I feel as I say it. I don't think I've admitted that to myself. And now that I have there is no going back. Despite what happens here I won't be able to look at him the same. Go on how we have. The sound of her quiet sobs tether me back down to reality and I turn to face her. "When I kiss him it makes the pain go away for a while. Makes me forget the pain I feel for a little while and sometimes the escape is worth the guilt I feel afterward."

"Bo..." she lets out in a sob giving me a look like why would I hurt her like this and I've never wanted to die more then I do in this second. I take my three steps back toward the table and then another two toward her.

"But the guilt I feel after we kiss is nothing compared to-"

"Stop." she says and I'm not completely sure if it's toward my words or toward the fact that I've taken two more steps toward her. Maybe both.

"When I open my eyes afterward and I find hazel eyes looking into mine and not your soft, beautiful brown ones. When I realize that it's his hands wrapped around me and not your's. When that happens? Guilt is nothing to me because I want to die in that moment. Because he isn't you." I take another step and now shes at arms length. "I don't want to hurt you Lauren you've been hurt enough for two lifetimes. All I wanna do, all I've ever wanted to do is protect you. Make you happy. Even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness. I wasn't up because you came by to yell at me. I was up because all I ever do now at night is lay there and think about all the ways I've messed up with you. All the ways I've hurt you. All the missed opportunities." I take the last step and to my surprise she doesn't move away. I can feel stray tears falling down my cheeks and it's nothing new. To me at least. I'm stronger then most. Guarded then most. So when I cry it's normally alone. So a few stray tears are nothing to me but to her it's new. She reaches out to cup my cheek but stops a few inches short before pulling her hand back. "This game of ours? It's not to hurt you. It's just the only way I keep you with me. This game is our relationship."

"It's doesn't have to be." she says softly as she reaches up and cups my cheek. Immediately I nuzzle into her gentle touch. It's a reflex I have to her.

"But it does." I reach up and cover her hand with my own. She closes her eyes as she lets out another sob and I grip her hand tighter as I lean in and kiss her tear stained cheek. She whispers 'why' as she rests her forehead on my shoulder. My tears are free falling now and it's taking everything in me not to brake down. "Be-because," I pull back and take her face in my hands, leaning in kissing her softly. It's only for a second but it's enough to knock me off my feet. I pull back but I keep my hold and now shes holding my wrists tightly. "I don't trust myself. Not with loving you." It comes out in a broken, sobbing whisper. And I swear I can see her heart brake right before me. But there is no turning back now. I've made sure of that.

"Bo,"

"I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much that you've become my obsession. I would die for you. You Lauren Lewis have my heart and soul. But I am what I am. And there is no amount of training or treatments that can ever guarantee that your safe. I can never give you a normal life. A normal relationship. I can never be what you deserve. God knows I would give everything and anything to be what you need. What you deserve. But I can't be. I...I'm a monster and your an angel."

The tears are falling harder then I ever knew possible and with each word it feels like my heart is being pulled apart one tiny sliver at a time. I can barely see her through my tear filled eyes but I know shes crying just as much as I am if not more. Her grip is tight and she thinks it will keep me.

These are all truths. All of which I've known for a long time yet admitting them aloud. Admitting them to her is making them a reality. Every word twisting the knife in a little bit more. A little deeper. Until the pain in my chest becomes so much I can barely breath.

She says my name again but before any more words can follow I shush her softly. I cup her face just a little tighter as I bring my lips to her's once again. Only for a moment. And then again. And then again for the last time before I pull away.

The grip she has on my wrists is tight and it hurts to brake it. She even tears flesh but I don't feel it. You could run over me with a bus followed by a dump-truck and then set me on fire and it still wouldn't be a fraction of the pain I feel beneath my chest right now.

I turn my back to her and start walking away the best I can. I can her hear say my name calling me back and it takes every once of strength I have to not turn around. Never will I be this strong again in my life. And that I know for sure. I storm down the hall wiping my face with my forearms the best I can since my hands are covered in her tears. I hear Zack call out asking if I'm okay but I can't stop. I need to get as far from here. From her as I can. With every step I feel my strength weakening and it can't. Not now. Not with this.

I could have told her that I wanted to try more then anything I've ever wanted. Told her I would have killed myself trying to give her everything. Be what she needed. Could have told her about that night at the Dal after our battle. Told her about my recent spell of blackouts. The amp-ed up hunger that never seems to fill any more. The aggression that comes over me so much that I don't even recognize myself at times. But then she would try to fix me. Kill herself trying to fix something that can no longer be fixed. She would wait for something that would never happen. I didn't lie. I told her I was a monster. She just didn't need the details.

And now. She can be free. And maybe at some point be free of this life that she was never meant for. Be free of all the Fae and their demons, monsters and curses.

I look back finally and the compound is nothing more then an out line of a building. My tears are slowing and my breathing finally evening out even though my pain is as devastating as ever. I close my eyes and let the warmth of the rising sun coat my face and a tiny smile comes over my lips with a sense of relief that washes over me. '_Shes finally free of me. Free of all the hurt I bring' _And with that thought, just for a moment in time I feel relief and not pain. But it's only for a moment.


	3. Falling Away From Me

A.N. Just quick thanks for all the feed back. It makes me a happy puppy. Glad your all enjoying. I've decided to make this my side baby next to WHF4 which is quickly coming to an end. So instead of writing a bunch of one-shots to keep testing and expanding my writing skills and capabilities I've decided to make this a mini story. So just in-case your wondering why this chap has more then just Doccubus that's why. I may have a skill for writing never ending gut wrenching Doccubus scenes but I think that may get a tad boring after nothing but four chaps of it. Lol Thanks you all again.

Pokey.

**Falling Away From Me**

Son of a bitch! OW! Well that hurts. I force my eyes open and find myself staring up at my bathroom ceiling. God I need to pant. Blinking a couple of times trying to clear my muddled thoughts I look behind myself and find a long streak of blood down the side of the tub. Norman Bates anyone. I can't help but let out a groan as I sit up. Looking over myself I don't see any apparent damage. Just blood smears all over the floor. I groan again as I use the sink to help myself up. Apart from looking like death ran over twice there is nothing. Hm. I turn around and look behind myself in the mirror. Well that looks better then it is. The cut is at least seven inches long and an inch wide just under my left shoulder. The bloods already dried. Fun. More battle scares are just what I need.

Sighing to myself I head out of my room and into the hall I can hear Kenzi already laughing at something but what's off putting is that I see sun shining brightly into the kitchen. How long was I out? It was early night last I remember.

"Sleeping beauty." she greets me as she shoves a spoon full of Lucky-Charms in her mouth. "You look like shit Babes."

"Thanks."

"Seriously. Did you let the entire football team tap that last night or what?"

"Again." I plop down on the couch scowling at her. "Thanks."

"Come on. You know I worry about your skany-butt. It's been a week since your non-breakup, breakup with-"

"Don't say her name."

"And you've been a little," she trails off as jumps off the stool and walks to the end of the couch. Resting her hands on her hips while she raises her eyebrows at me. "Bo. We're just all REALLY worried."

"I am fine." I can see she doesn't believe me. Hell I don't believe me. Sitting up I lean forward reaching out and take her hand.

"Donkey balls! What in the hell is that?" she lets out dropping my hand as she walks around the arm of the couch and starts looking at my new injury.

"Nothing. Slipped in the shower."

"You slipped? In the shower?" she asks skeptically before giving me her Kenzi death glare.

'Yeah."

"When?'

"Just now."

"So you took a shower and managed to stay dry?" she tilts her head to the side.

"What's your sudden interest in my bathing habits?"

"Bo, that looks like a knife wound."

"Does it? Really? I'm sorry when did you attend medical school?" her face softens and I don't know why I got so upset or why I said it. Shaking my head I reach back up taking her hand in mine. "I'm sorry Kenz. I'm just tired and apparently no sleep makes me take a vacation onto bitchy island."

"Okay." she lets out softly but her face is still tense as she sits down next to me. "I know me and that who's name shall never be spoken never really got along but I'm here if you need to talk about her. Or anything."

"I know. I know." I force a smile and she looks at me studying me. I let her. If it'll make her feel better then go ahead. No need in everyone being in a panic. "But right now we have to meet Dyson and Hale. Told them we'd stop by to help with some case. Was actually supposed to last night." I stand up and start toward the door, I don't look back but I know she doesn't move right away. Shes waiting and I'm not completely sure for what. But before I have to turn and ask shes push past me mumbling something about driving.

The walk to the car and most of the ride is silent. Silent and Kenzi were two words that should never mix. It never was good thing when they did. Even in the face of deadliest danger she could still find something to make small talk about. I keep looking over at her and shes deep in her own mind. She doesn't even realize I keep doing it other wise she'd have made some smart-ass crack about coming onto her.

I debate asking her but why open a door I don't want to walk through. I know what she is so torn up about. I know shes worried about me. Worried how I'm doing after the 'non-breakup, breakup' as she so delicately put it. Least she was focused on that and not anything else. If she was focused on that then it meant that she hadn't realized anything else that was going on yet. And as long as she hadn't realized anything else that meant no one else would know. No one else would be involved.

Trick never got involved in personal matters let alone ones that included Lauren and myself. Hale never wanted to choose a side, Dyson was his friend. His partner and Lauren stood between him and the woman he 'loved' but at the same turn Lauren was some what of a friend to him so he found it better to stay out of it all together. And Dyson. Well Dyson would probably challenge her to a duel over me had she been a Fae and not a 'human pet' as he like to call her.

"D man!" the sound of Kenzi yelling brings me back to reality. I can't help but smile as I turn to see her hanging out of the window yelling at Dyson and Hale who are getting into their car. I can't really hear what Dyson yells back other then 'follow us' which Kenzi was quickly to oblige. "You gonna be okay chickie?" I'm completely clueless as to why she asks me this until another two left turns and then a right and we're pulling into the Ash's compound.

Immediately my heart sinks in my chest and my stomach is back to feeling like it's been put into the blender. I start to scowl so I don't cry as I force myself out of the car and head toward Dyson and Hale who are waiting for us. I know their talking to me as we are walking but all I can hear is Lauren's words. Her sobs replaying in my head from nights ago. My palms start to sweat as we near those doors. Oh God. This was a bad idea. It's only going to hurt her. I can only imagine what pain shes in.

Or not? Dyson and Hale are first through the doors and I can her hear laughter. Laughter? Really? It's only been a week? Am I that easy to forget to her?

"Well if it isn't my two favorite Miami Vice rejects, human pet and not so high-end dominatrix." Vex greets with a delighted grin as hes still on the table where I sat with his feet dangling back and forth. "Ha. Sounds like the start of a bad joke." he is almost glowing as his eyes lock with mine.

"What are you doing here?" I can't help but ask as I glare at him. There was no one else in the room but him and her. So unless she has gone completely mad from the heartbreak he was the reason for her laughter.

"Part of a new Dark-Light peace, something or other. Wasn't paying to much attention other then I get to spend time with my new buddy here." he says with a smile but I'm more focused on her now. She won't turn around as she shuffling though papers and flashes of that night start coming back.

"You were assigned to her." Hale barks back as he pulls a cream color folder off the table next to him. "Your basically her pet." Ha. Guess he didn't like Vex's jab at Kenzi.

"Being her pet is more then fine with me. I enjoy that sort of thing." he wiggles his eyebrows at me and it's taking everything in me not to attack him.

"What are we doing here?" Kenzi asks as she puts her hand on my back reassuringly. I guess I'm not as good as I thought I was at hiding my emotion.

"This way." Lauren says coldly as she walks around us to the opposite side of the room giving everyone no choice but to follow.

There is a large blue sheet servicing as a room divider. Shes keeping her head down so I can't see her face as she pulls the sheet from one end of the room all the way across to the other side exposing ten metal exam tables. All filled with what I am assuming are Fae since no one seems to care much about human life around here. There are body like shapes covered by white sheets.

"All of them showed up last night. All with different times of death from what I can tell. The state of their remains makes it slightly difficult to get an exact time though."

"Light or Dark kill?" Hale asks while he keeps his face buried in the folder.

"Unknown at this point. Sara thinks it could be either side. Someone not please with the peace talks she has started." Sara? Hm. First name basis with the Ash and dancing. Well isn't that just lovely.

She goes to the sixth table from the left pulling back the sheet. I'm hanging to far back to see what it is but whatever it is it makes Kenzi turn away while Hale and Dyson make a disgusted face. I hear Vex whisper something to me but I'm to focused on her. She looks so tired. Worn out both mentally and physically. Shes wearing heavier makeup then normal, mostly under her eyes to hide the dark circles. Her hair is messily pulled back. That's new. Had she not looked so heartbroken it would have been a good look on her. She looks up briefly and I feel like the air has just been sucked out of the room. I know shes asked me something but I don't hear it.

"I'm sorry what?" I ask after a moment. Don't need to be any more of an ass then I have been. And I think flat out ignoring her in a room full of people would do that.

"She was talking to me. Believe it or not, not everything is about you." Vex says as he walks from beside me over to Lauren. As he does so he grins at me and I can't help but feel like he some how knows something about that night. The way he said it. The way he's smiling at me. Acting like he knows something about how I feel. Acting like he knows something about her. He's been doing it since I walked in. He's just to smug.

"Bo." Dyson almost growls out and his hand is on my shoulder. I take a second and realize I'm no longer standing twenty feet away from everyone. I'm right next to Vex with my fist clenched to the point of pain and the group is looking at me with a mixture of confusion and concern. "You okay Bo?" his voice is softer now.

"Fine. Why?" I ask as if it's the dumbest question in the world. I shake my head almost in a joking manor before I turn my attention to the body in question. It's a male the only way I can really tell is by the hair cut. His skin or really what's left of it is a dark, discolored blue. It's so thin you can see the starting of bone. His eyes are wide open and a glossed over white. Foggy almost. But what catches me the most is that he's smiling from ear to ear.

"They're all like this." Lauren says as she moves past my momentary blackout and the awkwardness that came after. "I have never seen something like this before." she pulls the sheet back over him. "It's almost like a mixture of Fae kills."

"You think multiple crazies? If it is against this peace deal thingy then what if a Light and a Dark killed the poor guy together." Kenzi asks looking at the folder Hale's holding. Not a bad idea.

"Reminds me of a succubus kill." Vex says making a face as he reaches out and pokes the body.

"Succubus? Why would you go there? What is that some underhanded jab at me?" I turn to him and I can feel my anger rising with every passing second. "Trying to imply it was me? Tell you what. Why don't you save your thoughts for people who care."

"Back off rampage Barbie." he orders as he tries to push past me but I stand in his way. "Bloody hell. Someone needs to get you some midol."

* * *

I don't know whats happened. Nor at the moment do I care. All I care is the fact that I'm some how back to where I started only now I'm gasping for breath. My hand wrapped in a death grip around my throat as my vision is going blurry. I can hear them yelling at Vex to stop but I can't see anything. I fall to the floor hard my head smacking against the floor. I can feel myself slipping and then like everything it's over. My hand falls to my chest as I gasp for air. I can feel her hands on each side of my face as shes telling me to breath. It takes a minute but my breathing starts to slow and my vision starts to return.

I open my eyes to find her scared, chestnut ones looking right back at me. She doesn't move at first and I feel safe. I forget for a moment whats happened not just here but between us. But all too soon shes pulling away and standing up. I quickly follow and look around try to gain some sort of idea what had just happen. What I just did.

Dyson is standing next to Vex his eyes their glowing gold with his fangs drawn. Hale standing protectively in front of Kenz who is peeking out from behind him. I look over to Lauren whos avoiding my gaze and back to staring at the floor. I feel a wave of exhaustion and shame pass over me but I still don't remember what I did. I open my mouth but instead I start toward the door.

I make it out of the doors. I'm trying my best to make it past everyone but for some reason it's overly crowded today. It slows me down enough for her to catch up to me in the courtyard.

She wraps her hand around my bicep tightly pulling me not only to a stop but to face her. I try to avoid eye contact but she has a furry on her face I've never seen before and that makes my stomach turn more then anything else that has happened today. This had all been about protecting her. Staying as far from her as possible and now here I am causing more trouble for her. Dragging everything right back up.

"Shut up. You don't get to speak to me. You don't. I don't want to hear your excuses. Don't want another long line of bullshit fed to me. I've had enough of that. Understand?" I simply nod like the scared kid whose just broken the window while playing catch. "What happened between us is between us. Don't take It out on anyone else." she stands there glaring at me and I debate speaking but side against it. I can't handle another gut wrenching talk with her. She can't handle another one. So I stay quiet until she scoffs at me and gives me a look so beyond disgust that I don't even have a word for it. I watch her walk away like I have so many times before and it's just as unbearable this moment as it's always been.

I feel tears working their way to my eyes again and I just turn and start running. I can't cry again. I can't do this again. My feet are hitting the ground so hard I'm sure my ankle is going to brake any moment. After a couple blocks it hurts to breath. There is a sharp pain in my stomach that feels like my organs are being pulled out one at a time from a pin sized hole. But none of that is my biggest concern any more. My vision starts to become tunneled and there is a sharp, unbearable shooting pain going from my left temple to the right.

I know whats about to happen. I know it all to well. I duck into the nearest alley and rest against the wall squeezing my eyes shut as I try and breath through the pain. Maybe it'll just be a couple seconds I lose this time. Maybe a couple minutes. The sound of traffic and people walking past are starting to fade now and despite my eyes being shut it's bright to the point of blinding. The pain starts to grow and I fall to my knees as I feel my lips start to moisten with blood that's trickling down from my nose. A new side effect to this. And then there is nothing. I feel nothing. Maybe it's over. Maybe this time it wasn't able to take affect.

* * *

"Bo?" My eyes flutter open and It takes me a second to realize where I am. "Bo. What are you doing here?" I take a deep breath and look at her intently. Shes got her hair pulled back messily again only this time shes in light gray, sleeping pants and a white tee shirt. The door is open enough for me to see in and there isn't any lights. None from her lamps, none from the windows. It can't be. It was just morning. She clears her throat and I try and shake off the dizziness I'm feeling as I rush to try and think of a reasonable excuse. "What? Have another coat to return? Maybe a pair of pants this time?"

"Okay. I deserve that."

"That and oh so much more." I drop my gaze and I know she feels bad about the comment as she sighs heavy-heartedly. She was never one to be able to intentionally be mean. Even when the person on the receiving end deserve it. And boy do I deserve it. "Bo. It's late and the last time you popped in unannounced in the middle of the night it didn't turn out so well. In fact it turned our really, really bad. Bad as in I'm spending the next few days crying until I run out of tears. So unless there is something you need," she goes silent and I look up to see her face riddled with concern. I don't understand.

I try to speak but I can't find words. This time it's not because I'm afraid or just don't have anything to say/ it's something else. For some reason this blackout's effect is lasting longer then normal. Shes speaking but her voice sounds so far away and almost like shes underwater so I can't make it out. The small amount of dizziness I felt starts to worsen and she reaches out and cups my cheek but I can barely feel it. I think she has her other hand wrapped around to my back but I can't really feel it either. Can't really feel anything for that matter. My vision starts tunneling again as I fall to the floor but this time my head doesn't hit anything but her hand. I'm looking right at her but shes starting to blur now. Shes slowly fading away until I can no longer see her. And when shes gone I give into the darkness. And pray that I'll awake from this one and it'll all be over. I'll be wrapped in her arms and it will have all just been a bad dream. Just a really long, painful dream.


	4. Almost Lovers

**Almost Lovers**

Well at least it's not the bathroom floor this time. I open my eyes but it isn't much help. Where ever I managed to land myself this time is pitched black. Or maybe I finally just lost my sight from everything. Well least the mind blowing headache isn't so mind blowing at the moment. Thank God for small miracles. I pat my hands around trying to gain some idea of where I might be. It's obviously a bed. Much to soft to be mine though and not nearly as worn. Sitting up I let my legs dangle over the edge feeling the floor with my toes. And then a realization hits me that I'm not wearing any shoes, or pants. Blackout booty call? Great just what I need. As if I wasn't a dangerous lover enough when I'm sane.

Cautiously I stand up taking baby steps toward the left keeping my hands out in front of me. It doesn't take long to find a wall. Running my hands up and down the chilled wall taking baby steps to the left until I find the tiny handle. Pulling the door open there is only a dim light lighting the hall from the down stairs but I know where I am now.

How did I get here? When did I get here? Last I remember was ducking into some alley. Oh God. Lauren. My body reacted before I realized what happened. I was down the hall and half way down the stairs when I froze. There she laid on the couch perfectly still. My heart started to race while my stomach turned in on it's self. No. No. it can't be. I couldn't have. I wouldn't. Not to her. I start down the rest of the steps one at a time slower then necessary but I wasn't ready for the answer. I'm half dressed and she isn't in much more. And this was our MO, we hurt each other. Fight and then surprisingly fall together.

I take the last step onto the wood floors and it creeks. I nearly jump out of my skin. It's enough to scare me out of my thoughts but not enough to make me jump. What does is that in the second the creek filled the otherwise silent room she sat straight up. Oh thank God. I didn't kill her. I realize how big of a fool I must look standing here staring at her with an enormous grin while she just looks back at me with almost empty eyes.

"What are you moonlighting as a vampire or something? I've been in caves that have had more light then your room." I force out with a little less creepy of a smile while I make my way over to her deciding to sit in the chair facing her instead of the couch. Shes just staring at me. True it wasn't my best comedic work but I thought maybe a smirk.

"How is your head?"

"Fine." I'm lying and I know she knows I am by the little half nod she gives me as she sits up straight and proper. "Little headache but I've had worse." with this she gives me another nod. It wasn't a really a lie. For the first time the headache was less then it had been in a while. Silence falls over us as she stairs at me and I don't know what to make of it. I settle back into the chair and all I can do is keep smiling at her. It's half out of nervousness, half out of hoping it would prompt some emotion from her other then the dead gaze she was giving me.

"How long?" she asks and her voice is just as cold and emotionless as her eyes.

"For what?'

"Don't insult my intelligence Bo."

"I wasn't. I was-" I pause as I watch her get up as if I wasn't speaking to her and she disappears into the kitchen. I stand myself taking a couple steps trying to see what she was doing. It was highly unlike her to be so rude even when she was mad. And just as quickly as she vanished she reappeared with two empty wine glasses and a bottle. "I was just," she pushed past me sitting in the chair this time as she nods to the couch while she pours the two glasses to the rim. She doesn't bother to hand me mine but she takes her's as she settles into the chair now scowling at me.

"Come on Bo. Lie to me again. You can do it. One more won't kill you." I keep my eyes locked with her's as I sit down on the edge of the cushion, leaning forward taking my glass as she takes an unnecessarily large drink from her own. "Probably."

"Good to know."

"I said probably." she takes another drink all the while her eyes never braking away from mine and in this moment I've never felt so scared of her. So uncertain. Maybe it was her lack of emotion. Her lack of warmth and tenderness. Her overwhelming amount of clam that wasn't really calm at all.

"I think I should to go." I let out as I stand.

"Sit down." the harshness in her tone surprises me. I turn back to look at her and the term be careful what you wish for suddenly had meaning. The emptiness in her eyes was gone replaced by what I could only describe as rage. I didn't know what else to do so I nodded before sitting back down like a child in the principle's office. Her eyes followed me the whole time and probably for the first time since meeting her I was wishing they didn't. "I'm going to ask you again, how long has this been happening and this time don't answer me until your ready to tell the truth."

"Since a little while after the fight with the Gurruda. It's started just moments when I'd get angry. And then it's slowly gotten longer and longer and now half the time I don't even know where I am when I wake up." I didn't wanna tell her. I didn't want her involved. If I did I could have saved us both the 'Un-brakeup, breakup' but she could be like a blood hound when she caught the scent of something she wanted an answer to. It was one of her less loveable qualities.

"Who knows?"

"No one." she scoffs at me and I already know where her mind went. "No one," I repeat a little firmer as I tear my eyes away from the tiny crack on the floor and look back up at her careful to avoid her gaze. "Kenz has picked up on something being off but she just thinks it's because...well because of-"

"Go ahead and say it Bo."

"Is there a reason your so confrontational with me?" as soon as the words come out I feel like a dumbie. I should have been asking why she still cared.

"You've lied to me." she takes a drink. "You've hurt me." and then another. "You've broken your promise to me." she takes the last sip before reaching over the arm of the chair setting it on the floor. "But most importantly you put your life and the lives of everyone you say you care about at risk."

"You think I killed those people!" it came out in a yell as an accusation as I jumped to my feet. I can't lie I've thought it too. Probably before she did. I wondered what I did in my blackouts and when I saw the bodies today it was almost being spelled out to me. But there was something about her saying it, or really implying it that made it all to real. To real to bare.

"No Bo, I don't." her words stop me half way to the door. I don't turn to face her though. I can't.

"Your lying. You think I killed them."

"No," I try and hold in my tears yet again. Never have I cried so much in my life as I have this past month. I turn around just in time to come face to face with her. Shes standing only inches from me but shes never felt further away. "you think you did."

"No I don't." it almost comes out in a growl and I can feel the anger start to build in the pit of my stomach. I know whats coming. I start to try and take small steps back but shes already reached out. Her slender hands tightly wrapped around the back of my arms holding me in place. "I need to leave."

"Your not wearing any pants."

"Oh," was all that came out as I couldn't help but look down to check as if that would be something she lied about.

"Bo," she lets out softly. Gently for the first time tonight as she cups my cheek bringing my face up. "I know you didn't kill them."

"How?" my voice cracks and I feel the anger subsiding as tears build. Still she can have so much faith in me even after everything.

"At the end of the day, dark or light your a succubus. The kills that were done may be unlike anything I've seen but I do know a succubi kill and this is not one. Even if what was inside of you came out you wouldn't be able to do this." so much for faith in me. "All of their major organs have been incinerated."

"Oh." is all that comes out. Logically I should be jumping for joy that this big bad Fae killing machine isn't me. That I'm not a full blown homicidal monster. Just an average run of the mill monster. But logical wasn't my thing. It never was, that was her area. All I could think as she spoke was that it wasn't faith she had in me. It was simply facts that made her sure. That maybe everything I did, everything I said was for nothing after all.

She pulls her hand back ever so slowly and it's almost painful to leave her embrace. There's no longer a rage behind her beautiful eyes but there is an anger. A hurt. She takes two more steps back and her face hardens a bit almost as if she remembered what happened. That she shouldn't touch me like that. Shouldn't be kind to me. I swallow hard as I watch her walk away from me. This pain is new. I'm use to watching her walk away but I've never seen her face as she has.

"I have no doubt that there have been some residual effects on you but that isn't what has been causing the blackouts."

"Then?"

"When was the last time you slept?" she stands there waiting for an answer and at first I wanted to laugh. It was a ridiculous question what could that possibly have to do with anything. Then I found myself standing here answer-less. She has her cocky, overly accomplished grin as she nods slightly. "Your not sleeping Bo. The body, human or Fae can only go for so long without nourishment. When your blacking out it's just your body giving out. And if your not sleeping I'm going to assume that you haven't feed in a while either."

"So let me get this right, I just need to sleep and feed and this ALL goes away?" I ask more giddy then I meant, my eyes widening.

"Pretty much. Of course after your body returns to normal we would have to monitor what has been residual effects of tapping into the power, the darkness that's within you but apart from that your life should return to normal."

My jaw almost drops. It couldn't be. It couldn't be this simple nothing in life, let alone my life was this simple. Sleep? But as simple and unbelievable as it seemed I really couldn't remember the last time I slept. I know I go and lay down every night and fall into my thoughts of us. Thoughts of failures. I guess I just always assumed that at some point I had slept. And that it was just the first thing I thought about when I woke.

The overwhelming amount of relief and joy quickly passes as I watch her settle back into the chair. I couldn't have just ruined the only thing I've ever really wanted because of lack of sleep. Lost the only person I actually ever whole-heartedly loved. Could I? No. I couldn't of. Me and her had survived worse. Deeper lies. Deeper betrayals. We could survive this.

"I'm so sorry Lauren." I blurt it out as I almost slide across the floor to her dropping to my knees in front of her taking her hands in my own. I don't have a plan. No more then I did that night. But I wait until she looks down at me and this time it takes a while but she eventually gives in. I hold her hands tight so she can't pull away from me. "Lauren I am So, So SORRY. I know that saying sorry doesn't make it right I know that but I am. And I know that this is a complete change from how I've been lately but on one hand I just found out I'm not a crazy murderer and on the other that there is hope for us. And I Know, I know I've hurt you so bad I wish I could take it all back but I did it to protect you. I would die if anything happened to you let alone at my hand. You have to understand that."

It wasn't very romantic but it was true. In the beginning of the saga that was us I had done the school girl fantasy of how I would tell her if we ever got the chance. Romantic candle light dinner. Tell her when we were cuddling after making love. Do some stupid, over the top action like in the eighties movies. But we weren't in a movie let alone some romantic comedy. And perfect moments were few and far in between. So true and simple would have to do. For now.

Shes looking down at me and I can see despite her best efforts her eyes are starting to glass over which makes it hard for me to tell what shes feeling. Shes silent and with every passing moment my heart pounds harder. I wanna say something. Make it more romantic. More heart felt but I know it won't sound genuine now. Nor do I really think it would make much of a difference.

"I—I love you. I've loved you for so long even before I wanted to admit it to myself. You came in and turned my world upside down Bo. When Nadia died I was so, so hurt. I was hurt because I had to come to the reality that the woman I spent that time with wasn't really her. That I had spent five years of my life imprisoned for nothing because she really died the second she was cursed. But the biggest shocker, the biggest hurt came as the realization that I was so in love with you. That if she had been herself and she had lived that...i would have chose you. That even when everything was fine with me and her my heart had already picked you. Every time I was with her, I felt like I was betraying you in some sick way. I've played this game because I thought that it is what you needed and even in some ways it added a certain level of arousal to us. The chase. The intensity of the emotions of lust and jealously. And I know what you are. I know Fae and humans can't mix. I know that succubi can not be in a monogamous relationship let alone with a human. But I was willing for once in my life to throw cation to the wind. Throw logical and rational thinking out and just go for it. See where we landed."

I can't help the stray tear that falls down my cheek as she leans in and presses her lips ever so softly to mine.

"I've been lied to by everyone I know. Been manipulated. Been imprisoned. Been tortured mentality and physically. Watched the woman I loved killed by the woman I'm in love with and none of that was nearly as painful as what you did that night. What you said to me." the tears are falling at their own will now while my heart sinks. I'm hanging on every word shes said and it sounds like it's in my favor. In favor of us. In favor of hope but her tone says different. "I am so in love with you Bo. Beyond anything I've ever known or wanted to know. You can literally walk in a room and leave me breathless. There isn't anything you could have done that would have changed that. And I will be here for you always. I promise you that," she cuts herself off as she leans in and kisses me softly on the cheek before pulling back and taking her hands with her. "But it has to be as friends."

"You said your in love with me." I sound like a child but it's all I can think of as I fall backwards onto my butt as she stands and maneuvers herself past me heading for the stairs.

"Sometimes love isn't always enough. And sometimes almost isn't a word to suggest try it again, sometimes it just means almost." she says over her shoulder before starting up the stairs leaving me alone just as I had left her. Maybe she was right. Maybe sometimes love just wasn't enough for people like us. True as it may be knowing it didn't ease my pain.


	5. Breaking My Own Heart

A.N. Just wanted to say a quick thank you for all the reviews. You guys are amazing. And for anyone who cares and did not see in my other story, WHF4 is NOT forgotten my beta has had the last four chaps for a couple days now so as soon as she has some time she'll send them back. Hopefully soon. Lol

pokiepup

**Breaking My Own Heart **

Love. Pfft. Everyone goes on and on about how payback is a bitch. HA! If payback is a bitch then love is it's sick, sadistic, bi-polar, psychopathic, evil twin. And my love life is proof of this. You don't even have to look at my love life in a whole. Just take a look at the past two and a half years. I mean sure the string of dead lovers I left behind me adds the crowning touch but it's really doesn't need to be added in to make my point. Nope. Don't even have to add Dyson into the mix in order to come up with this conclusion. Nope. You can get it by just taking me and her into consideration. Love wasn't something I was very familiar with. I am the first to admit it. So it's not really a surprise how messed up things have gotten between us. Not a surprise how bad I've messed it all up. Not really.

"Wh—Damn!" I turn to Hale who is now standing next to me, drink in hand with his eyes glued to Lauren's body. "Does anyone know if she does house calls? Cause suddenly I'm feeling the need for a doctor."

"She's got legs for days," Kenzi added in as she leaned against Hale. "I could climb them!" my eyes fly to her much like the boy's do and her cheeks pink-en. "Well not me per-say I mean in general." she clears her throat nervously. "Not me."

"Of course not you lil' mama. Those would need a certain skill set." he let out wiggling his eyebrows down at her. I know hes just joking but hes aiming at getting punched. Luckily Kenzi playfully elbows him in the side and saves me the trouble. I would have really hated to hurt one of my closest friends.

"She looks...nice." Dyson adds as he shrugs glaring at her. I open my mouth to tell him hes crazy if the only word he can come up with for her is nice but instead I turn my attention back to my drink. After all I don't have the right to be getting upset over people making comments about how attractive she was or wasn't. Now a days I wonder if I ever did.

It's been two weeks since she left me sitting on her living room floor picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I really thought my 'obsession' would die out as I got better. Fed more. Actually slept. Got back to my normal everyday life with mu Lauren sulking sessions kept to a two hour maximum but who was I kidding. My obsessing over her had nothing to do with what was going on with me and my blackouts. One good thing did come from all of it though. She knew exactly what was wrong with me. Two feedings and twenty-four hours of straight sleeping and I was back to my old self. Well my old self with some major brooding.

I slide around on the stool and despite the fact there must have been thirty other people standing around her my eyes managed to find her in less then a second. Shes smiling and I can't help but feel a twinge of jealous. Or maybe hurt. Maybe both. How easy it was for her to forget about us. About everything. Sure she said she was hurt and heartbroken but then I see her socializing with Vex, see her here tonight laughing it up and it's kinda hard to believe anything has affected her at all. Hard to believe she ever cared.

Shes with **her** again. Shes told me there was nothing going on there. That they were just friends but then again I remember telling Kenzi and Dyson that same line time and time again about me and her so excuse me if I don't believe that. I may have only spoken to her twice since that night but it was enough to pick up on what was going on. There was something different about her. Something I can't quite put my finger on. Sure it was nothing concrete but considering every time they've come to the Dal together shes been dressed up. And not dressed up like her normal 'do-her-hair-before-coming-to-see-me' it was 'I'm-gonna-put-on-noticeable-makeup-and-a-dress'. So tonight. This little show she was putting on was no surprise. Not really. Despite the fact that little miss Sara was a very eccentric and outgoing Ash, she was still the Ash so whenever she would go on the floor people had a tendency to keep their distance. And since she seemed to never be able to find anyone other then Lauren to socialize with it gave me a clear view of her.

A thin layer of sweat covered the bare skin, making her glisten when the faint lights hit her just right. A thin, silky, black dress covering the rest and to be honest it wasn't covering much. She keeps her face down, looking away from me but I'm sure she knows I'm watching otherwise she wouldn't be putting so much work in keeping her eyes away from me. Her hips are swaying ever so slightly taunting her company. Taunting me. She looked beautiful. Sexy and had The Ash's hands not been resting on her waist, Lauren's 'dancing' would be something I could watch for hours. Or at least until my desire reached it's braking point.

"She..um," Trick starts but his eyes stay on Lauren and her new 'friend'. I don't bother to look back. Instead I take my shot and Dyson's in a record braking five seconds.

"I guess we don't have to worry that she is being held against her will this time, huh?" Dyson lets out with a smirk as he has Trick refill his glass.

"Aren't all your panties in a bunch." I don't need to turn to recognize the voice. Vex just had one of those voices. I don't know why I'm even surprised any more from what I've heard hes been everywhere Lauren's been. Kind of a shame shes not dating him. I could actually kill him. "Jealous?" he whispers in my ear as he leans over and it takes everything in me not to punch him off the stool. But he wasn't the problem anymore as I see the Ash run her hand through her hair as she smirks right at me.

"Do we go say happy birthday? Or...? I mean we were kinda here for her." Kenzi says trying to sound upset but shes already to far gone to pretend to have any pleasantries for Lauren.

"You know what your right. We all came for her. And she goes with some, some...booty call." eight double shots of tequila and jealousy never a good mix. Before I realize I find myself storming over to the little corner table that they've moved their party to. "Excuse me." I say to her guest before turning my scowl to her. "You know we all came down here. For you. Took times out of our busy lives to see you on your birthday and you, you just find yourself the first thing that looks good in a dress. Well I have news for you doctor. I look good in a dress. In fact I look damn near stunning in a dress. And I actually came here for you. So-"

"Are you done?" The Ash cuts me off with her eyebrow raised to a scary height.

"No. Not even close. It's rude to everyone and disrespectful. And," I pause running out of words to say not really sure at this point if it's because the look she is giving me is kinda scary or if just the fact of being this close to her knocked the fight right out of me. Well least with her. I'm completely ready to fight with the smug, blondie over there. Childish? Probably. But I'll do it. "Okay. I'm done, now."

"I think you need to relax." she says as she leans back in her chair, hands folded in her lap as she glares amusingly at me.

"I don't need to do anything. Your not the boss of me. In case you forgot I am a FREE agent over here."

"I don't wish to quarrel with you."

"Quarrel? Really?" okay I know I'm being an ass. I can hear myself. And I know that I'm wrong. I have no right. But I can't stop myself.

"Excuse us. Really sorry." Kenzi says as she jumps in front of me pushing me back toward the bar. "Bo how drunk are you?"

"Drunk enough to not be able to shut up. Not drunk enough to know I'm in trouble."

"Bo I love you. I do and that is why I'm gonna tell your drunk ass that need to get your shit in check buddy. Nobody knows whats going on with you day to day. I mean you check out for a couple weeks and then you check back in like nothings happened. And then you do this weird 'I'm gonna stand in the corner and be a stalker' whenever Lauren comes in the Dal and now your trying to pick a fight with the Ash? What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"I call bullshit. I call major, massive, dino sized bullshit. Bo tell me whats going on." she holding my hand trying to keep me in place and looking up at me with such concern that I feel like I've just been sucker punched. Suddenly I can't breath. Suddenly I'm all to sober. "Bo, please," she pleads but I can't do this. Not here. Not now. So I do what I know best. Run.

I hear the whole group yelling to me but I don't turn around. The wind hits my skin and all I can think is that I should have taken the car. Hale would have taken Kenzi home. Made sure nothing happen to her. Even if he didn't Dyson would of. Guess thinking has escaped me all together lately. Lauren may have been able to fix the blackouts and the anger on steroids but there was still something off with me. I didn't want to admit it. HA! So familiar. My nickname should be the Queen of Denial. I should have learned by losing Lauren that keep everything to myself wasn't the right choice. I can't lose Kenzi too. Maybe if she isn't to angry when she gets home we'll talk. Maybe I'll be able to save this relationship.

I toss my keys on the counter as I kick off my shoes not bothering to turn on the light as I go and fall onto the couch as I look up at the clock 11:45 p.m. It was perfect even if I did doze off I'd wake up when she walked in which should be soon it's already late. Then I could do damage control. But Kenzi would be easy it was Lauren who I needed to figure out how to fix this. As if our relationship didn't have enough wounds I now can add tonight to it. Not only do I embarrass her and pick a fight with her 'friend' I do it on her birthday. If anyone was ever to get a jackass award it would be me.

God. I can't believe I've messed things up between us so bad. I don't even know where to begin to fix this. Not just tonight but all of it. Better yet should I? Should I try and fix this all? Does she want me to? Maybe I should just do what she wants and let it all go. She doesn't need this. Doesn't need me and my unexplainable fits. I mean the Ash is beautiful and from what I hear nice and not crazy. Not crazy is always a plus. And she would be able to keep Lauren safe. Safer then I ever could. Maybe I should apply the 'if you love them let them go' thingy I hear all the time. But then who am I kidding. Am I really strong enough to let her go completely? Let her go to someone else? I doubt it.

As the hours pass I find myself tossing and turning still alone in an empty, dark apartment. The only light coming from the little green numbers on the clock 2:12 a.m. Great we're right back at square one. Everyone pissed at me while I act like a mad woman and thoughts of a woman I can never have keeping me awake. The thoughts of fixing things are now long gone. I know I was right the first time I went to her. The second time I was wrong. Okay maybe I am not crazy and a mass murder but there is something wrong with me. There was something wrong with me even before this I just ignored it. The more I think about it the more I realize I have caused her more pain then anything.

The more I think about it the more I know I did right. And maybe tonight was best. Maybe it was the final nail in us. She deserves a normal life. Deserves someone who can make love to her so passionately she can get lost in it and not have to worry about her lover losing control and killing her. She deserves someone who can be an adult about things like jealousy and hurt without flipping out every time. She deserves someone who can be faithful to her completely. I wanted us to work. God knows I wanted us to work. Even through every heartbreaking conversation all I kept hoping was that she would tell me I was crazy and would take me in her arms and some how everything would be okay. And not just for that second but for every second after. That it would be like in the movies. Happily ever after. Ha! Happily ever after put in the contexts of me and her is laughable now.

I think I've come to realize that maybe all we were ever meant to be was just what we had. Maybe we were just one of those 'couples' who could never actually be a couple. One where, as she said love wasn't enough for us to stay together or in actuality it wasn't enough for us to ever be together. Not completely. It's funny in an ironic way since in the back of my mind I always thought we'd make it. That things would even out eventually and we'd fall back into our pattern and maybe in ten years, fifteen years we'd finally be able to be together. But after the look in her eyes tonight. Remembering the look in her eyes that night at her apartment, I don't think it could ever happen any more. I know that. I know I need to say goodbye. Know I need to let go.

But at moments like this where I'm laying here alone with nothing more then my thoughts at two-thirty in the morning everything else starts to fade away now and I only wonder if she ever thinks about me. If she ever remembers all the happy moments we shared. If she knows that I never wanted to hurt her. If she knows I'm still in love with her.

But as the minutes continue to pass everything else slowly floats away and all I wonder is if she still loves me.


	6. Ahead Of Our Time

A.N. A quick thanks for all the reviews. And a shout out to **-quicklookbusy** I just had to barrow a line from your review and to -**akaseru** for giving me the song that inspired this chapter.

**Ahead Of Our Time**

"Ah Bo." she tosses her folder on her desk as she looks up at me. "More articles of my clothing to return? Another special occasion to ruin? Another painful conversation you feel like having since Lord knows the last few weren't painful enough?"

"No." I let out in a forced chuckle as I keep my eyes focused on her discarded folder. "i-well I wanted to come say I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"For last night?"

"Yeah. Well for all of it. I'm sorry for everything."

"Hm. Well you know if stop doing things that call for an apology you wouldn't need to say your sorry so much."

"Yeah," it's all that I can get out as a wave of shame and embarrassment come over me.

"Yeah? Ha. I guess you can only articulate a complete sentence when you are making an ass out of yourself."

"Lauren I am sorry. I am the first to admit I take home all of the gold, silver, and bronze medals in every event in the jackass Olympics." I hesitate as her eyebrow raises in amusement as a grin spreads across her lips. Her hands now resting on the desk top as shes slightly leaning forward. 'Well least I still have the ability to amuse you." I force a halfhearted smile.

"Of course you do Bo. I can honestly say you have lost a lot of ability's with me but amusing me is most certainly not one." this time it was my turn to raise an eyebrow as she almost seemed like she was trying to contain a laugh.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm just waiting for my favorite part in your speeches."

"W-what?'

"You are a lot of things but creative is not one. You always have the same lines. You say you're sorry. You say oh I deserve it when I make a less then pleasant comment toward you. Somewhere in between you make an attempt at being charming. Oh, oh and my favorite is the 'I love you' line. So you got two out of the way hurry up with the others so I can get back to work."

"Lauren-"

"I'm sorry Bo, but your words, well they really just have no weight with me any more. You say sorry but you do the same things over and over again. You never take responsibility for your actions. Not really. And to tell me you love me yet you do damn near everything possible to prove you don't. I unlike you, don't take pleasure in hurting you. But unless it has to do with business I just don't trust you."

"Lauren I did this for you. I thought something was seriously wrong. I didn't want to hurt you. There was something wrong with me and there still is."

"Dammit," I can't help but flinch as she slams her palms down on the desk. "I may not be a psychologist but I know enough to know that you HAVE a complex. I don't know what complex but you have one of them. You always need to be the victim. Always need to have some sort of catastrophic meaning behind everything."

"I do not always need to be a victim. And I do not have a complex I just know what I am. What I am capable of." I don't raise my voice like she is doing but my words are cold enough that she gets the point.

"Oh," she pauses as her jaw clenches and her hands turn to fists yet still resting on the table. "get off it." Get off it? Yeah she has been hanging around Vex to much. "There is NOTHING wrong with you. There never has been. Well at least in the way your speaking about." Ha! Thanks. I never knew her words could pack so much of a punch.

"I was having blackouts. I wasn't feeling right. I was flying off the handle any time someone said something I didn't like. I love you. I didn't want to hurt you." I clench my jaw to the point of pain to stop myself as I hear my voice starting to raise.

"You want to know the real uncensored version of why that was happening? Because you are a child with the emotional capabilities of a five year old. You spend your nights awake thinking about how horrible you are. How much you've messed up. How bad things are. Convincing yourself that your some big bad monster who need to be hidden away. I mean at this point I'm surprised you haven't got yourself a cape and found a bell tower to hide out in."

"Did you just compare me to the hunchback?"

"Don't like that one? Hm, okay. What about the Phantom of the Opera? Better?" she folds her arms across her chest as she walks out from behind the desk and I'm clenching my jaw so hard now I can taste the faintest taste of blood coating my mouth. "No? Well tell me which persona are you trying to take on? It's must be one of them." she snorts as she shakes her head as shes now leaning against the desk. "You lay awake at night going over every flaw, every failure, every mistake. And yeah maybe after the whole thing with the Garudda maybe it did tap into some of the power you have been suppressing. It wasn't some burden that got thrown on you, it was yours to begin with. You learned to control yourself once, you can do it again."

"It's not a burden? You know nothing about what I go through! You stand here in your little lab with your little books and test tubes and pretend you know everything. Your not Fae and your not me!"

"No. I'm not."

"No! Your not! You have no idea!"

"How would I? You find it better to sit in your room punishing yourself over nothing instead of being an adult and talking about it."

"What is going on in here?" I turn to The Ash who is storming into the lab and it takes every ounce of strength in me not lung at her. Memories of her cocky smile. Her challenging words. Her hands on Lauren's body, hell probably her mouth too.

"It's none of your concern." I bark back, my attention going back to Lauren.

"Actually it is. You are a guest at my home. You are a very unstable young girl yelling at my doctor who happens to be a close friend."

I wasn't honestly sure what happened in that moment. Maybe it was everything adding up. Maybe it was the rush of memories. Maybe the way she laid claim on her. Maybe the fact that moving past the anger and hurt that Lauren was right. But some how I found myself lunging at her. I had just barely reached her when I found two strong hands grabbing my shoulders throwing me backwards. Despite my anger and confusion I was thankful I didn't make it to her.

"You need to leave." I look up to my 'attacker' some tall, dark and handsome Fae I had seen around once or twice. I push myself up my feet staying cautious but much more calm now. "Did you hear me?" I go to open my mouth but it's shut for me as I find myself being slammed into the wall, Sara's forearm pressed against my throat. I was wondering what her power was, now I'm guessing it's speed. I didn't even see her close the gap between us.

"Lauren is a close friend of ours. She swears up and down that despite your little fits that you are a good person. I think we both know that isn't true."

"Sara!" I hear Lauren yelling in the background and I can see Mr. TD and H standing in between us and her, his hand resting on her shoulder.

"She means a great deal to us both professionally and personally. All you have done is hurt her and while I am not a fan of that she is a grown woman and I step aside to that. What I will not step aside to is your declining mental status that is causing a overly, uncontrollable violent tendency." I struggle against her hold but shes far stronger then I would have ever anticipated. Far stronger then Dyson and in all my encounters he had always remained in the top five in the strength department. "Understand me?' she glares at me for a moment before releasing her hold and walking backwards. Truth was I could barely breath. Hardly make it through the pain but my anger and pride refused to show it. But I'm sure she knows with the way she is smirking at me.

"For someone who goes around preaching peace and campaigning like a politician your quick to lose your temper."

"Bo! Stop!"

"Sweetheart. I can be the sweetest of sweetest. But you piss me off and the red guy with horns and a tail have nothing on me."

"Bo. Please leave." I turn to Lauren and I know she is trying not to cry. And again a wave of shame comes over me. I don't understand how I can keep messing things up so bad. I look between the two and I can't help but feel an odd relief for her knowing she was safe with them from me. From anything really. They may have been standing guard but it wasn't like with the previous Ashes. They always stood like they owned her. They were protecting their property but these two stood like they were protecting a loved one. I swallow hard and nod slowly backing out the door refusing to turn my back on the heated duo before making it into the hall. I drop my head avoiding the gaze of passing Fae as I disappearing into my own thoughts as I make my way home.

I'm sitting in the dark on the couch in the dark in sweats. After all sweats were the internationally know clothes for brake ups so it seemed fitting when I threw them on. It had been hours since the newest incident happened. I had tried to talk to Kenzi the two times she came in but all I got was a nod and the cold shoulder. Leaving me alone again. I'm not going to lie I debated on and off to call Dyson. But what good would that do? Make a bigger mess.

I keep replaying every word she had said in my normal fashion and then unexpectedly my mental train on a course for depression-vill came to a halt as I started actually hearing what she was saying. Maybe she was right. Maybe I should have been focusing on how to make things better instead of what had went wrong. Maybe I should have talked about what was going on. But its all to late now, right? After tonight I don't think I can repair that. Instead of proving I'm the better choice I probably pushed her right back into Sara's extremely deceivingly strong arms.

I'm knocked out of my thoughts as I hear a heavy knock on the door. I can't help but chuckle I guess Kenzi wasn't that mad after all if she sent Dyson over. I shuffle over to the door.

'Lauren?" I let out my eyes almost popping out. My heart speeding up memories of the night that started this all coming back to me only this time she wasn't soaking went nor was she crying. She didn't look distressed at all. "Are-" she cuts me off angerily as she walked past me.

"Shut up. Do not speak. You are not to speak while I am speaking. You are not to cut me off. You are to hear every word I say. Not just listen to me but **hear **me."

"Okay."

"What did I just say." I open my mouth to apologize but with the glare she gives me I shut my mouth and walk the small distance to meet her in the living room so I can see her better. "I told you I was not going to play this game any more but some how you have me right back to it. And this version is even darker then the first. I don't understand how you manage to suck me into this. I don't."

Shes glaring with her hands on her hips, shaking her head and I'm suddenly not sure if she is really speaking to me or just speaking her thoughts aloud. I shove my hands in my pockets as I stand at attention letting her continue on what ever it was she was doing.

"And by the way not that I should even tell you. I should let you squirm. Let you feel how I feel all the damn time with you but when I told you nothing was happening between me and Sara I wasn't lying. That guy who pulled you off of her. That is her husband. She is straight. Like Kenzi straight."

"Oh," I let out unconsciously but she is so wrapped up in her own thoughts she doesn't hear it luckily. I feel my cheeks start to pink-en as I'm feeling beyond stupid. I can hear her mumbling on about the situation and how I had made such a scene last night and earlier and she was right. But all I can do is replay the times I've seen them together. Sure there was touching that I was not a fan of but I don't ever remember The Ash's aura raising above normal. Nor do I remember Lauren's. I can't believe after everything I never noticed that.

"Are you listening?" she asks her eyes looking through me and all I can do is nod.

"You are childish. And inconsiderate. And infuriating. You are an overly jealous ass." she pauses looking up from the floor tears in her eyes. "Do you know just how much or what kind of hell you have put me through lately? How much pain you've put me through? Huh? You have NO IDEA. NOT AT ALL."

"I know." I let out in a teary eyes whisper as I walk toward her.

"You are stupid to have picked a fight with Sara. Stupid to say the things you did."

"I know that too." I let out softly now in arms reach, the arm of the couch holding her in place thankfully.

"You were stupid to hide everything, I could have helped you and all of this would have been avoided. Stupid to try and make choices for me."

"I know." I admit as I step into her, now only inches.

"But you are even stupider if you think for one second that I am going to let you just run away from me like you do everything else. Just let you walk out of my life." I was leaning in to kiss her but as the words registered I stopped dead in my tracks pulling back to look at her.

"W-what?"

"I spent five years in slavery for someone I loved. Do you really think that some childish fits would make me run away from you, who I am madly in love with?" I open my mouth to speak but like so many times before nothing comes out so we're left just standing there staring at one another.


	7. It's Only Love

**It's Only Love**

We stand here in silence neither of us daring to speak each having our own reasons. Her fist are clenched like her jaw. Her eyes filled with tears but shes refusing to let them fall. She could be so stubborn when she wanted to. I honestly don't know what to say to her any more. Any apology I give sounds like one I've rehearsed or one I've used before. But I know she's waiting for something from me by the way she has her head tilted ever so slightly to the left. The way her brow is tense and her tear filled eyes are running over my face. Maybe where I was going wrong was speaking. Maybe where I was going wrong was over thinking.

I'm broken out of my debate with myself as my breath hitches and I felt my body tense in fear as I lean in stopping just before my lips met her's. My eyes open and I find her warm brown eyes looking into mine tears missing. In fact all emotion missing from them and I can't even begin to describe why but I felt my heart sink. I know it's physically impossible for a heart to brake but if it could I'm sure that's what mine had just done and I can't even explain why. Shes here. Shes told me she is not just in love with me but madly in love with me. The madly part counts for something right? She wants me I can tell. Then again she always does weather it's her or her body. I don't remember her aura ever being any lower then a seven around me and at this moment it's titer-tottering between seven and eight. Despite everything I've done. Every stupid move I've made shes here with me and wanting me. Telling me what I've wanted to hear for what seems like forever. So why do I feel for the first time like I've lost her.

A breath escapes me that I wasn't even aware I was holding and it scares me at first not sure what caused the reaction. It doesn't take more then another second to realize that she skillfully managed to slip her hands under the hem of my shirt and they now rested on my waist. I couldn't tell you if it was the surprise of the touch. The coolness of her skin against my skin. Or if it was just her touch. Maybe all three. Never braking her hold she turns us so I'm the one pined between the arm of the couch and her body. My lips part as I ready to speak but she just shakes her head ever so slightly and oblige her.

She slides her thumbs over my skin until they're over the hem of my shirt and moments later shes sliding her hands up my sides and bringing the thin materiel between us with them. She leans in as she slides it over my head, my raised arms and the desire to kiss her is almost to much to bear but I find myself frozen. My eyes follow my shirt to the floor but are quickly brought back to her's as she runs her finger tips down the back of my arms until she is guiding them down around her neck, draping them over her shoulders. Giving her no option but to take a step closer into me.

It's sensual yet not sexual. It's tender yet not soft. There is no sweetness in her eyes or written over her face. I know we're playing some game here. She just didn't tell me the rules of this one. It's new. Her touches are very sensual but short and shes making sure where to touch and careful where not to. My eyes continue to dance over her face locking with her eyes occasionally but I still can't get a read on her. On what she is thinking.

Abruptly she drops to her knees with a thud and I think to ask if shes okay but looking down at her while shes looking up at me. My hands now resting on her shoulders while her's are gripping my hips I lose my train of thought. Well I don't really lose it, it just happens to jump onto a much more explicit tack.

"La-lauren what are you doing?" she ignores me as she leans in pressing her lips just above my belly button. "Lauren," it comes out as a moan but I honestly didn't mean it to. She looks back up at me as if shes waiting for something. Looking for something but I don't know what. She nods just enough for it to be considered one before she goes back to kissing along my waist back as her hands run up along the back of my clafs. She pulls back again and gives me the same look. "What are you doing?" I repeat.

"I don't know," her words are a faint whisper as I see a wave of vulnerability come over her face, something she was trying desperately to hide. I close my eyes and take a deep breath trying to gain any form of composure and while I am and shes on her 'teasing' mission I realize something. I can't help but let out a chuckle as my eyelids flutter open and she must think it's at what shes doing since she doesn't bother to look up. Despite my realization I can't help but debate waiting until she brakes off the contact to say something but then again it wouldn't be much of a realization if I did that. My grip on her shoulders tighten just enough so that I can push her back enough to brake off the contact. Enough that I can drop down to my knees so I'm facing her.

"I get it." I say through a weak, half smile as I take her hands in mine. She lets me but stays quiet. Expressionless. "I get it, that if I was this big, bad, raging maniac out of control I wouldn't be able to stand here with you like **this**. I get it." I try my best to keep my voice even and soft as I see her eyes returning to their previous glassiness. she pulls her hands out of mine but rest them on my thighs right above my knees as she raises her eyebrow giving me her signature 'I don't believe you' look. She drops her head so I can't see her face but she crunches her hands together grabbing a hold of my pants.

"No matter," it comes out in such a faint sob that I could barely make it out. I want to ask her what she said. But instead I just lean in maneuvering just enough so my forehead is lightly resting against her's. She doesn't pull away surprisingly but she keeps her head down. Her eyes closed as the tears fall. I can feel her body shaking every couple of seconds as she tries to hold her breath to stop from crying. "whatever I do. Whatever happens I can't escape from you. Like a shadow Bo you stay with me. Follow me wherever I go. I can't stop thinking about you. There is at least a dozen things a day that happen that make me think of you. I close my eyes and I see you. I can hear your laugh. Sometimes I want to touch you. Kiss you. Feel you so much it drives me insane. There is nights where I can't sleep because all I'm doing is thinking of you. Thinking of how dumb and embarrassing something I said or did was. How I could have said or done something that would have made you look at me. Want me and not him. Not someone else. Something that would have made you realize that you want me."

"M-me too." it comes out in a broken whisper as I feel my own tears start to make their way down my cheeks.

"I-I know you think I'm made of glass Bo, but I'm not. I've done things I'm not proud of. Things that when I think about them they make me sick. Things I wish I could take back but I know I never can. I've hurt people before. People have died because of things I've done. It wasn't intentionally but it-"

"It's not your fault." I say firmly as my eyes shoot open and I pull back a little. My hands each cupping a cheek as I pull her face up, forcing her to look at me. "Lauren I may not know everything about you but if I know** anything** it's that you have a good heart. An amazing one. And I know that you would never, NEVER do anything like that if you could help it. You've devoted your entire life to helping people. It's obvious if you could take-" my body like my hands move back away from her just a little. "i-I get it." it's another broken whisper but I know she heard it by the way shes staring at me.

"Do you?"

"Y-yeah. I do." this time it's me who lets my head fall. Not in embarrassment at how stupid I've been but in complete shame. "I never needed to play a game to get you. To keep you." I take a deep breath trying to compose my thoughts. "I didn't need to because I already had you. I've had you for a long time, haven't I?" she simply scoffs at me and had I not felt a single tear drop fall on my arm I would have thought that I had read the situation wrong again.

"Yes." it was the last word said between us before silence came over us yet again. Eventually the tears slowed and then came to a stop. She let go of pants and eventually broke off all contact until she was sitting next to me leaning up against the couch. Our arms, stretched out legs barely touching but enough to be comforting and nerve-wrecking all at the same time. I fold my hands in my lap idly twiddling my thumbs eyes focused on them unable to face her. "It's not your fault. Not completely yours."

"Ha. All I do is hurt you."

"It's not all you do." I can't help the weak smile that comes over my lips as she reaches out and places her hand over mine.

"Isn't it?" I look up to her, tears building again. I don't really want an answer. I know it already. You weigh the times I've made her smile and laugh to the times I've made her cry and there doubt which wins.

"No." she cups my cheek and I can't help but lean into the soft embrace as I let my eyes close enjoying the moment. "All you do Bo," there we go. I force my eyes open to meet her's. "is make me love you. You were wrong. And hurtful. And an ass but I know you did what you thought was right. I know you did it to protect me. And I know you did it because you loved me-"

"Love." I say softly and she raises an eyebrow. 'You said loved. It's love. Just in-case it matters." she quiet again and she lets her hand fall back onto mine. Least she didn't pull away completely right? "So."

"So."

"What now?"

"I don't know." she turns away from me and goes back to looking into the kitchen. "I know that I love you. And I know that I don't want to live without you, actually I can't live without you. Anything past that? I don't know."

I can't help but smile as I sneak a look over at her. Shes staring into the darkness at what I am assuming is nothing. Just her way of thinking. Her face is back to being expressionless but this time it's soft. She tilts her foot to the side so it's resting under mine but she doesn't say anything. She doesn't need to. If there is one thing all of this has taught me it's that maybe I should pay more attention to actions rather then words.

"I can work with that." I say a few minutes later as I let my head rest on her shoulder, reaching over taking her hand in mine, our fingers entangling this time as she leans in to me.

We aren't perfect. We aren't from a fairy tale. Things weren't easy for us and they never would be. And tonight? I honestly don't know what it means. Were we together now? I don't know. Were we going to be? I don't know. Were we okay? I don't know that either. But what I do know is that I love her more then she knows. More then I could ever describe. And there is nothing that could ever change that. So maybe it was okay that I didn't know everything. Maybe there was adventure in finding out the answers. Maybe there was an adventure in make her see that I was someone who was worth her time. Worth being in love with.

My eyelids start to heavy as I feel her breath slow. Shes asleep now. I can hear the birds in the distance. The room is starting to lighten. I guess time has passed quicker then I realized. I think about getting up, waking her after all this would be awkward for Kenzi to walk in and find us. But then again being in her embrace for however long was worth a little awkwardness. It was worth pretty much anything. She begins to stir and I feel her pull her weight off of me. I chose to keep my eyes close I don't want to watch her leave. I can't. Not right now. Not after everything that happened tonight.

I open my eyes just a little as I feel her weight on me again. Shes laying with her head in my lap now. One arm wrapped behind me through the small space between the couch and my back while the other is lazily draped over my lap. I hear her whisper I love you and I can't help but smile as I look down at her, I can't really see her face but still.

"You could say it back," her words are soft and mumbled but understandable. "Your breathing to heavy to be asleep."

"ha. Is that some doctor observance thing they teach you?" I try and sound playful but my words are soft and weak. Until this moment I didn't realize how tired I was. Or maybe it was just being in her embrace that made me relax so much. So quickly.

"No. It's a Bo observance thing." she tilts her head up just enough so I can see her face. Her eyes half mass.

"I love you." a sleepy smile comes over her pouty lips as she returns back to her previous position.

"I love you more." she whispers against my thigh as she tightens her embrace and I want to tell her there is no possible way she could. But I just smile to myself as I drape my arm over her while letting my eyes close. Yup. I could definitely work with this.

End.

A.N. Thank you all so much for reading and all the reviews and support. Sorry if you weren't expecting it to end here but I knew it would be ending very soon and after I wrote this chapter and was re-reading it, it felt like the right place to end it. Thank you all again.

Pokiepup.


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